Just the other day, I was with a group of Moms and one of them mentioned how she absolutely cant STAND hearing her baby cry… the topic was discussed cautiously…and I couldn’t help but notice a few moms casting furtive glances my way…because, you see, I’m deaf. Suddenly, an uncomfortable silence descended upon them, and one of the ladies bit the bullet and said, How do you hear your baby? I hope you don’t take offence…
I smiled and said I didn’t mind her asking at all, it was a relief to finally be able to talk to them about it.
Let the questions begin I think with a smile.
Being a deaf Mom is and isn’t different then being a hearing Mom. Do I think it makes me a better Mom? Sometimes. At other times do I wonder if it makes me a lousy Mom? Well yes, I have my moments where it can have me second guessing myself and my abilities as a Mom.
Funny enough though, its not the things you would think worry me that actually do worry me… I don’t worry about not hearing my baby, after all, I have a monitor system in the house with flashing lights, vibration tools and a few video monitors to help me out. Those everyday tasks and ’duties’ if you will are not what worries me.
What worries me is how it will effect her or my relationship with her. I worry that my hearing loss will become a burden on her, that she might be embarrassed at my constantly asking people to repeat or when I misunderstand a question and answer with something stupid and off the wall. Or when I mispronounce a word… I worry that I wont be able to hear her first words or that she might think I am ignoring her. I worry that because communicating with me is difficult and she will have to talk differently to me then she will others that she might choose not to do it at all. I worry that she might not accept me… or might think less of me. I worry, I worry, I worry.
Now I am a confident person, I have a great job and I don’t often feel sorry for myself. I don’t identify myself as a deaf person and while its certainly shaped the woman I have become it does not define me as a person. And yet I feel my eyes brim with tears when I think of my daughter as having a less then perfect Mom. I feel that she deserves the whole darn world. Dont we all?
The most I can do is ensure that I do as much on my own as possible and show her that having a disability does not mean you are incapable! When I am doubting myself and my abilities I remember a quote by Miss America Heather Whitestone. “The most handicapped person in the world is a negative thinker”.
How true this is…
I am not going to end this with a pretty picture and tell you that I am not struggling with this, because I am and I suspect I will for a while. But what I will tell you is that I wont give up and I will do my best to ensure that I lay down a strong foundation so that my daughter and I WILL have a relationship and that she will love me and be proud of me. I am going to leave her no choice! I’m her mother after all… so like it or not she’s stuck with me!
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I think your kiddo will learn to see you in the same way you see yourself, as a confident, successful deaf mom.