Seventeen

I wonder what life would be without dreams?  Just this morning as I was driving to work turning the radio knobs song after song after meaningful song came on.  All of my favourites – something that rarely, if ever, happens.

As I drove listening to the music I could feel the stress and worry that goes along with being a Mom, partner, professional – life really – ebb away as I was reminded of the days I would sit under the sun with nothing but a book, some good friends, and a beautiful but misguided sense that I would forever spend my days this way.  I was seventeen.

 For me seventeen was my magical age.  I was old enough to be treated like an adult, but young enough to still maintain some of that innocent girl-ness that is so captivating in youth.  I had so many dreams and ideals, and hopes  that I looked forward to.  I distinctly remember moments where I would sit still, drink in the moment with full ferver and think to myself – Alison, enjoy this moment… you will never be this free again for a long time.  Somehow, even though I ‘felt’ like it would last forever there was a small voice that told me otherwise… (or maybe that was just my mother) J

One night in particular comes to mind:  I was that magical seventeen and at a girlfriends house in her backyard…we were sneaking some of her mothers fruit wine – oh what rebels we were! (we later got caught and punished for that…) and had some cds playing.  When girls just wanna have fun came on the three of us jumped up and starting belting it out and singing… We had on bathing suits, and our perfectly long, lithe, tanned bodies were the epitome of youth.  Our eyes still shone like we believed in fairytales and that we could quite possibly become the next teen superstar showing off our ultra cool pad on MTV cribs. heh.

I remember that moment because we were having so much fun – pure unabandoned, no worries attached (except how we were going to explain the half empty wine bottle) and my very best friends.  Somehow I was able to know even then how special these few years were and how it was a time I would never get back or live with the same carefree attitude.

Sometimes now when I see a group of girls around that age… with their carefully done makeup and cute outfits, giggling outrageously with their friends and acting foolishly I can’t help but smile and, dare I say it – feel a twinge of envy.  I remember all to well what it felt like to be that age… raring for more freedom, dreaming how and where you would end up and believing those dreams would become reality.  Sometimes when I am driving and I look over and see young girls driving what is clearly their parents cars,  big sunglasses perched on their faces, the music so loud even I can hear it (and Im deaf folks… so you know its loud if Im hearing it!) blocks away.  I always smile wistfully and remember coasting along in my best girlfriend Tammys ancient car(aptly named ’the celeb’) with our mixed cds blaring and feeling as though the world was ours for the taking.

Although bittersweet, I usually smile knowingly because I know that for most reality will take over.  Friends will start to pursue education or plan a future job… then comes the actual job, life partners, children possibly and before you know it bills get in the way, mortgages, jobs,‘schedules’,to-dos, have-tos, and suddenly you find yourself growing up too fast.  What happened to sleeping in til 4pm on Saturday?!  When did we grow up and how do we stop it?!

There are some days I want to pack my partner and toddler up and let her grow up on a beach somewhere with sand between her toes… swimming naked in the warm oceans.  I could make bracelets and my partner could.. well, Im sure he could do something… and we would live simply.  How divine it would be!!!!  We would sell our car, all our belongings, and move somewhere hot and friendly where we could spend our days at leisure doing as we pleased.

Then I think to the future and realize that part of having a child means responsibility and ensuring a stable future.  I get torn sometimes between doing what my heart says and doing what is right or what is needed.  Practical – which was such an ugly word before is the name of the game when you ‘grow up’. 

When I was seventeen I followed my heart… because my parents had jobs and a place for me to rest my head… I knew they were there to catch me if I fell emotionally or financially.  They provided me with choices: I could pursue a higher education, I could go so many directions with my life because they had given me opportunity.  I always remember this when I feel a sudden desire to quit my job and live like a pagan princess with my prince and darling offspring…  It was this opportunity that I wish to give my daughter.  The option to have choices, to have dreams,goals and to provide her with a wide range and set of necessary tools and mindset to believe in the unbelievable but with a  healthy dose of reality.  (I can be that little voice of reason for her if she ever gets a little off track). 

Not to say its wrong to live otherwise – I wish I could do it… but… alas… I think its true. I may have finally grown up!

Although growing up doesnt mean I can’t entertain daydreams and it certainly doesn’t mean I ever have to stop dreaming, right?!