Will We Have Rainbows, Day After Day?

As someone that likes to be firmly in control of my life, there are times when I find heading into the unknown void that is the future almost unbearable. Now that I am a parent, that’s amplified tenfold. I’ve been chewing on the future for a while now as my husband and I go through the process of putting a new will in place.

I know, I know, I’m delving into the unchartered territory of seriousness- something I am not known for, but it’s a fact that as much as all of us have to think about these things, none of us like to. You only have to read through the chat room here to see that the unforeseen reaches out all the time to touch our lives; sometimes joyfully, sometimes wreaking havoc, sometimes with sorrow.

I often wonder what lies ahead. I think about the things I hope for: health for all my loved ones, happiness, long lives, a decent world for our children to grow up in…..but the flip side of thinking about my hopes is thinking about my hope-nots, the things I couldn’t bear. And I pray that none of us has to leave too soon, that none of us has to endure pain or unhappiness, and then the heaviness of the unknown, the impossible fogged future descends upon me like a thick duvet.

*

We’re driving home from preschool and a fire truck passes by, sirens blaring.

“Mummy? Can I be a fireman when I grow up?” asks my three year old, Auden.

I decide to take the opportunity to practice a bit of psychology on him, the pickiest of eaters, “That depends. Are you going to eat all of your dinner? Firemen eat all of their food because they need to be very strong”

Silence. A garbage truck goes past.

“Mummy? What about garbage men….do they eat all their dinner?”

“I don’t know”

“I don’t think garbage men eat all their dinner. I’m going to be a garbage man when I grow up”

I smile as I drive and I think to myself that I don’t care what he is when he grows up. I don’t care if he is a fireman or a garbage man or an artist or a doctor or a shop assistant or a mechanic or a drag queen. I don’t care what he does, or where he does it as long as he is here to do it. And I also hope that I’m here to see it.