morbid morbid morbid.
Lying still in my bed, huddled up at the edge, listening for his breath. There it is. There it goes. He takes in a big breath, ‘I wonder if that is his last?’ I don’t hear him breathe. I look over the rim of the crib – gently place my hand on his abdomen. Movement. Good. I roll to the far side of my bed. But I cannot hear him breathing from all the way over there, so I roll back.
I can’t hear him breathe. Once again I place my hand on his chest. His left arms twitches. Okay. He’s fine. Go to sleep. I wish I was tired. Go to sleep. Family visiting in two days, get some rest…
Boeuf lets out a short high-pitched little squeal like a cartoon piglet. ‘What if he dies right now. And then my brother and his wife won’t even get to meet him..’ I hear him breathe. Why am I doing this to myself. He is strong and healthy and really, if he goes, he goes. There won’t be anything I can do…
Maybe somewhere inside me I know that he is going to die soon so I am starting to sub-consciously prepare myself. But I don’t want to be thinking this way, in case we do create our reality. He can’t die. But he can. People die…is he breathing? ….I really would like to go to sleep. What time is it?
No more coffee after three in the afternoon. Never again. Maybe that’ll help.
Boeuf is babbling in his sleep. Loitering in the narrow hazy corridor between dreaming and waking, I have him chatting with angels on whether to stay or go. Then I yank myself back to wakefulness, check his breathing and flop to the far side of the bed.
No more coffee after three.
It is not like this every day. It is not like this all day today. It is just like this now and I can’t turn this macabre little tap off.
www.mathoughts.com
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I feel like this all of the time and my kids are teens. It is so hard not to go that place in my mind where all these thoughts of mortality live.
First it was things like SIDS and then it was child abduction when they were smaller and out of my sight and now it’s date rape and such. I hate that I can’t control everything to keep them safe. Now I have to rely on the fact that I have taught them the skills to handle different situations but it’s hard as they are teens and don’t always show that most intelligent of good ideas and thoughts, lol.