When to leave?

[anonymous KIV]

I have been debating weather or not to leave my husband. We have been married for several years and we have a baby together. He has kids from another marriage as well. He is always mean to me and has even admitted that he is verbaly abusive. He thinks that the worls revolves around him. Every penny that we have he spends on himself buying "toys" that we do not need. I thought that once he had his "toys" that he would be happy but I don't think that he is. He will pick fights for no apparent reason. He never listens to me when I try to tell him that I am unhappy. I ask for 10 minutes away fromthe baby and he can't even do that! Literally 10 minutes was all I wanted and he couldn't get off his ass and take the baby so that I could have a break. I am so unhappy in this relationship and he doesn't seem to care. I don't want my baby to grow up without both parents in the same home and I don't know what I would do by myself. There is no where for me to go if I leave him and he would never leave. What do I do?

[Shawna C.]

I just want to say that I feel so badly for you - your husband sounds like such a jerk - I've never been in this situation so I don't have the advice to offer, but there are plenty of women on this site who have left relationships similarly to yours and will have plenty of information to offer you - I wish you and your children all the best - you (and they) certainly deserve better than this kind of treatment...

Take care

[Jacqueline]

hi there,
i want to say i feel bad for your situation.. me and my dh have not have the most easiest of paths in our relationship, and well we simply could not get along.... one thing i would reccomend is couples therpy... me and my dh have started going to private couselling through the savation army- they are one of the only places that offer it for free, or by donation... we both agreed that our relationship wasnt working and that we werent happy, for reasons, but after weeks of it, we have started to bond more, and become better friends.. the number is 3868521- i really recommend it, you can go together, or if you want to talk to someone, you can get an outside view.. i truly believe that if you have children together you should try your best, but if that doesnt work, leave.. u have to make a good environment to raise your children.. fighting and abusive behaviour is not acceptable... and in the end is harmful...
one of the things we thought of is waying "single parent home" to " a home with fighting" and we came to the conclusion that if it comes to it, two happy homes were better than one bad one... take care.. i hope i helped a bit.. good luck with your desicion

[me&mygrrrl]

I feel terribly for you! This sounds like my dd's dad to a tee! What you are describing is extremely disrespectful and dysfunctional. If your dh is into therapy I would reccomend that for you two and hopefully it works. If that doesn't work then in my honest opinion I would leave until he could treat me and my child properly.
For me the resentment got worse and the fighting became intolerable, like you I was terrified but you know what it's been 2 months now and sure I hurt sometimes and sure I'm lonely sometimes but overall I'm much happier. I respect myself, I'm proud of myself both GREAT feelings and I personally feel my dd living with one happy parent is better then living with two miserable ones!

A friend of mine told me recently a person will only treat you the way you allow them to, hope that makes sense
goodluck to you
Vash

[thisdj]

I don't want my baby to grow up without both parents in the same home

I grew up with both parents in the home - they waited until I was 18 to divorce (for my sake?) All I can say is that I'm quite sure I would have been better off if they had done it when they realized it was time, much earlier. Please don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids - trust me they will not benefit! Being verbally abused is as bad as being physically abused in my opinion - some words when spoken can hurt just as much as physical wounds. And the scars don't always fade. It is hard to leave, with what feels like nothing, and start over, but you CAN do it - I know lots of people who have - including me. Usually before a person is ready to make that big descion the other will have to do something to trigger them to snap, and finally pack their bags and leave.
I think Jaqueline summed up what I am trying to say about single parent home vs. house with fighting. And the salvation army counselling might be good too - if you can convince him to go.
Let us know what happens. I'll be thinking of you, I'm sure others will too.

[laui]

[WCM]

I do not say this to sway you or convince you, but my brother and I are so glad our parents divorced when we were young. They would have probably ruined all of our lives had they stayed together. It was not a wierd transition for us, in the sense that we were too young to honestly notice that he was gone. Now yes they did make poor choices AFTER they divorced (poor dates/live-in lovers that eventually left), and that was emotionally scarring for sure. But we've always said to them we are so glad they didn't 'stay together for our sake'.

it is a different thing if the troubles in a relationship are because of life being rough, and couples falling into unhealthy habits that push them apart. Keeping up a loving communication and respectful relationship can be hard at the best of times, what with all our different personalities and our own upbringings and examples of parenthood. Time in counselling, talking it out and commiting to work on it, forever, can really help. BUt if someone in the relationship is just plain not wanting to hep or acknowledge their part in things, then what's the point. Do you feel like these traits of his were maybe there in the beginnning but you saw them differently, or has he changed in recent years and was once the man you thought would be there for you?

[Jacqueline]

i am just going to add, that i too grew up in a family where my mom and dad fought soooooo much.... they stayed together for a couple reasons, but even though i didnt want to end up like them i kinda am, thats why i am getting help, i dont want to repeat the chain of bickering, and fighting and arguing..- i am the result of them staying together .
my dh grew up in a single parent environment and then his mom gave him up for adoption at i believe the age of 13..... i believe it is better to seperate so that the child does not see the bickering and fighting, coz that has affected me...more than i would have liked... children are supposed to have a fun childhood, and have good memories and my memories of childhood are mostly bad, i hate to say it, but the fighting and the times things got outta hand ( throwing things and pushing) are burnt into my mind....

[midnightly]

i feel soo bad for your situation, it's a hard one to be in, most of the things that i can say are similar to what everyone else has said, have you two tried councelling? talking about him about the financial factor(show him a written up budget and maybe give him play money to buy his toys with-like a allowance but dont use that wording because it might make him feel like a child getting a "allowance") reading over what you have written a few times it sounds like he has a bit of a anger problem, (has he always been this way?) i am a strong believe in the thought that it's better to be from a "broken" home if it keeps the parents sanity, keeps them from fighting, and the child doesnt have to see it. then for a child to grow up in the middle of a situation where the parents fight regularly, there is constant tension and anger and resentment floating around, even as a baby they can still pick up when there is real tension in the hom

no one can make this choice for you, only you know the whole situation, i do wish you luck either route you take and feel free to message me(and probably anyone else on here) if you need someone to talk to or just a ear to listen

[Mamma_Mia]

I'm sorry to hear your trouble, but I will say this, having come from a devorsed family, some people think they are better off staying toeghter for the kids, then the kid grow up in an unhappy environment where the patents never show any affection for each other and always have tension and fight , even if you fake it kids are really smart, they will pick up on that, and do you want them to grow up with that kind of environment, but maybe you need to sit your hubby down and make him listen, he probably doesn't think things are this serious, tell him that you are considering leaving and tell him you have somewhere to go (make it up) say anything to get his attention, because I also think that people today don't fight hard enough to stay married!!!Good luck!!

[anonymous KIV]

Thanks for all of you thoughts and advice. We have been to concelling on quite a few occasions, but it only seems to help for a few days. We talked about things last night and he seems to be a little more open to working things out, which is what I want.

I also think that people today don't fight hard enough to stay married!!!

I agree completely! I don't want to get divorced. When I took my vows I meant them. I got married because this is the person with whom I plan on spending the rest of my life with. I don't take any of this lightly, but that is how back things have gotten. I think that he now realizes that I am serious about things changing. Hopefully we are on the road to recovery.

[WCM]

I'm glad you were able to talk to him and that he hears you. I find my marriage requires constant work. It's not easy. Good luck!

[Jacqueline]

i am glad too! good luck

[missmuffet]

Find out why he is so scared. Chances are he feels like a failure so he acts like one too. Have a heart to heart when you are both in a good mood and maybe he will open up to you. With each stumbling block in marriage lies a chance for the relationship to grow and strengthen - if not then ditch his sorry butt.

[me&mygrrrl]

I am sincerely happy for you, I'm glad you and dh can talk! Communication is the key as long as it's done respectfully
Take care
Vash