how do you discipline your toddler?

[claysmom]

i'm not sure if this should be in parenting or not but here we go anyways. i have a very stubborn 20 month old son. he's a great kid but has a horrible temper when he is told no. he freaks out when i tell him no. sometimes he will cry so hard that he has trouble breathing. he kicks, punches, slaps, bites, pushes... you name it he does it. i have tried everything to dicsipline him and nothing is working. i tried time outs and he laughs... i try being stern with him and he laughs... i've tried ignoring him when he is doing something he knows he's not supposed to do and that works sometimes but not very often. he throws tantrums on the floor that last for what feel like forever. one time he was trying to unplug a cord and i told him no and he threw himself on the floor kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs for well over 30 mins. i dont' know what to do anymore... i hate the idea of using spanking or slapping as a form of punishment. anybody have any ideas or tips that you have tried that worked? i'm open to any suggestions other than hurting my child... thanks a bunch in advance.

[mumeee99]

Is he talking? I have one little guy in my care that doesn't have many words and gets frustrated and throws fits like you describe, I'm working on getting his vocabulary up there and teaching him to "use his words", its a long haul and very frustrating but I do see a little progress each day. If he is talking quite a bit already then I'd just try to encourage him to use his words more. Also distraction is a great technique too, I still use it with my 4 year old, get him on a different vain. I try not to say "NO" too much, there are times you absolutely have to but instead I use alternative words like "I don't like, or you really can't, or please don't" sometimes just the word no is a trigger and although you're basically saying the same thing a toddler will sometimes not fully pick up on it.

Good luck it can be such a difficult phase.

[Sunnygirl]

I think I'd keep trying the timeouts. He'll only laugh so many times and then he'll realize it's no fun. What do you do for timeouts? Do you put him in his room?

[Kris]

Both of my twins think anything I do to punish them is halarious, they do things wrong just get a reaction out of me and then both laugh when I put them in a time out or talk to them sternly. I am glad to hear it is not just me. It is frustrating and I hope that lots of people reply for lots of ideas.
Claysmom-- YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!... I am so glad you posted it because I am also looking for sugestions.... my older one always excepted when I said not to do something that she just couldnt do it, but theese two -- oh my... they gang up on me
Thanks for asking i am not meaning to hijack!!!
Kris

[frasersmama]

Personally, I think time outs at 20 months are not particularly effective. I also am not sure about "disciplining" a child for what is very nomal toddler behaviour. At that age they are testing their boundaries and environment. I am not sure from your post if you want to discipline him for touching the cord (for example), or for his reaction to the word "no"

It can be very frustrating to be a toddler, particularly if they aren't very verbal yet. Sometimes just giving them words to describe how they feel is effective (have you read the book, Happiest Toddler on the Block?)

Obviously hitting etc is not acceptable. I did find with my oldest that if I have a big reaction to something, like saying a big "Nooo" and making an exaggerated facial expression, she thought it was hilarious and would repeat the behaviour to elicit another reaction. If I can remain calm (not always easy) and just tell her "no hitting, hitting hurts" without a big fuss, she was more likely to stop.

Also, I tended to fall into over-rationalizing or explaining to her. Now I find a quick "no touching wires, danger" is more effective. The temper tantrums are difficult, but again, these little ones are smart and quickly learn what will get a reaction out of you. Generally, at that age distraction and redirection was most effective for us. For example, taking away an electrical cord ("No touching, danger") moving the child away from that location and replacing it with something they can safely have. If the tantrum persists, I just walk away and let her at it. It may take awhile, but he will figure out that it is no fun laying on the floor and screaming with no audience.

I really found this publication from the Ministry of Health, here's a link.
http://www.healthservices.gov.bc.ca/ccf ... com015.pdf

Good luck. Before I was a mom I had no idea such a little person could push my buttons so easily

[Junebug]

When my 26 month-old does something that she knows is a "no no", I immediately remove the toy or object that she was playing with at the time. Inevitably, she cries and connects her action with me removing the toys. I'm pretty sure she understands the punishment, because she tells me about what she did as being a "no no" and avoids doing it again.

[K.Ingram]

Oh this is such a hard one for us right now. Our son is also 20 months old and he definitely doesn't like being told not to do something. I usually give him 1-2 warnings - "Mama said to stop...". If he continues to do it, we remove him from the situation and distract him with something else. He finds everything funny until you remove him from the situation. He is definitely starting to "get it".
Good luck!!!!

[R o x a n n e]

My son is 16 1/2 months. When I would tell him not to do something and he would continue I would tell him that if he did it again he was going into the playpen. Well, after awhile of that he started enjoying time out in the playpen so that ended.

Now I am trying time outs on the stairs. Have done it a few times.

I'll sit him on the bottom stair landing for 1-2 minutes, depends on the situation. He's really unhappy with it but I think it's working. Today he went up and hit the 50" rear projection tv like 10 times! I was like omg, Trent! One more time and you're on a time out... he just ran away. lol If I said play pen he probably wouldn't have cared.

I want to stick with time outs. When he gets older I will also start taking things away.

[Anonymous Posts]

My guy is 20 months too and he was big on fits when he was told no as well. he falls to the floor and cries and kicks. He did hit and push or pull my hair too but when he did I yelled ouch! put him down immedietly and stepped back so he rarely does that anymore. I usually talk to him saying that I know you are angry but you can't do that because ____ and then I say careful you don't hurt yourself and continue on or if we are in a public place I just pretend to ignor him until he is done. If he chooses a dangerous location for his fit - like a sidewalk or parking lot I will pick him up and put him down in a safer location so he can get it over. Occassionally I will tell him to scream louder or kick harder. They are getting a lot shorter and spaced out now. Today he lay down and looked at me and then got up instead. If he throws stuff I will take it away. He can have quite the temper but he is my #3 and I have really learnt that a lot of it is from frustration at not being able to communicate the way they want to and also not having the ability to see into the future. Plus they want us to do what they want and that is what they try to use. My guy figures now is all that matters and if he is having fun NOW he doesn't get that we will go back to the park in the future so wants to stop me from ending his fun. I know it is so hard and embarassing too! I do expect though when he is a teen I will long for the days he threw himself on the floor and cried! If you are changing your tactics too that makes a difference. He may figure that if he keeps going you will do what he wants. I try to be as consistent as i can by reacting the same every time. So maybe figure out one reaction and sticking with it would help? That way he realizes that if he continues when you say no that one specific thing will happen? Good luck!

[hannahlin]

We;ve had a lot of luck with our form of "punishment". My daughter is a handful (to say the least) and has gone through the hitting, full blown tantrums, pushing, biting, doing things even though she knows not to do and we've found that this works:

Putting her in a chair. We say NO! or We don't hit in our family, or whatever is short and sweet and to the point. Then we put her in the chair and say if you want to have a tantrum you do it in the chair. Or you sit here until you calm down and can say sorry or sit in your chair for one minute, or whatever. IT WORKS! She usually stops having her fit immediately and wants to get off the chair and apologize, or she will stay on the chair and wait until she gets it all out. Sometimes we have to continually put her back in the chair or ask if she is finished with her tantrum but it always works.

If we are at playgroup or something I usually hold her tightly until she calms down and is ready to apologize.

Good luck.

[Nickie]

time outs.. It takes a while for them to realize and alot of time putting them back on that spot until they complete the 1 min ( i go by age now that dd is 2 its a 2 min time out ect)but they will soon realize its not ok behavior. Hitting Biting Kicking Spitting are all Not Acceptible and you need to kick it in the butt before it becomes worse..At that age its hard I know .. they cant verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Itmust be so fustrating to them as it is for us.

[Kris]

How do i get them to stay in a timeout when i put them there? mine I sit down tell them why they are there and then they stand up, I sit them down, they stand up, I sit them down, they stand up.... this can go one and on and on they think it is funny. I try not to look at them in the eye (read that somewhere -- just sit them back down and dont say anything or look at them) but foe 2 minutes I sit them down they stand up... so it was a 2 minute game to them and I am more frustrated than before the time out started..... I tryed not starting the 2 minutes (I have a timer beside out stool) untl they are sitting and not getting up but I dont think they understand that concept ... I have tried holding them there for 2 minutes but that isnt right because no-body is having a cooling down period and they get mad I am holding them and and forget why they are there........ I am sorry to hijack AGAIN .. but there is so many good responses comming ......

[Anonymous Posts]

"How do i get them to stay in a timeout when i put them there? mine I sit down tell them why they are there and then they stand up, I sit them down, they stand up, I sit them down, they stand up.... this can go one and on and on they think it is funny. I try not to look at them in the eye (read that somewhere -- just sit them back down and dont say anything or look at them) but foe 2 minutes I sit them down they stand up... so it was a 2 minute game to them and I am more frustrated than before the time out started..... I tryed not starting the 2 minutes (I have a timer beside out stool) untl they are sitting and not getting up but I dont think they understand that concept ... I have tried holding them there for 2 minutes but that isnt right because no-body is having a cooling down period and they get mad I am holding them and and forget why they are there........ I am sorry to hijack AGAIN .. but there is so many good responses comming"

We have this same problem....looking for some helpful answers!

[Nickie]

i tell her why shes going to time out .. tell her to stay on the stair till mommy comes for her oret the egg timer for 2 mins..if she gets off then i bring her back dont say a word just sit her back down reset the timer.. if you a rew with timeouts its going to take sometime just be consistant and they will realize what happens when they do somthing bad . After shes done her time out I look at her and tell her why she was on time out ect.. At her level not looking down on her.. Time outs have gotten eazier and eazier .. Consistancy is the key ...kids are smart cookies.

I just want to add When I first started one time out took about 30 mins of me placing her back on the stair and her running off.. she finnaly gave up and realized I wasnt backing down or going to be upset and give up.. if she just sat and took the time out it would be alot faster then trying to run away from it.

[ocean girl]

I was just at the pediatrician yesterday and he said if a child has a temper tantrum just turn around and walk away, let him see that you are not listening or watching him do this, give him absolutely no attention for his un wanted behaviour, because thats what he wants is for you to react. And then of coarse time outs as well. My son thrives on arguments, so I'm constantly reminding myself to stop and walk away or it is just a back and forth argument with him, wich he loves, I always said he'd make a good lawyer because he doesn't take no for an answer.