Help! - how to politely 'break up' with a new friend?

[Anonymous Posts]

Please Help!

My son has this friend who's Mom is trying to get close to us. Our kids are friends from school and like each other, but I have no interest in being friends with the Mom.

She tries really hard and goes out of the way and always offers to do stuff for us (we have never taken her up on anything) and I'm totally NOT wanting to be friends with her. She calls and leaves messages all the time and I never return her phone calls and she's not getting the hint...

Sorry if it sounds bitchy but she seems to think we are great buddies even though I've never lead her on to feel that way. Her behaviour also really reminds me of my ex who NEVER did anything without a hidden agenda or expecting the favour to be returned.

What would YOU do? I really don't like this woman and I like EVERYONE.

[Anonymous Posts]

a lot of people have a hard time making friends.

maybe she doesnt have anyone else, maybe she is trying to reach out because she really needs someone to talk to.

why dont u want to be her friend or acquaintance for that matter, is she mean to you?

[heather_m]

this is why I hate Victoria..everyone is so cliquey. Give her a chance she could be a super person.

[Anonymous Posts]

no, she's not mean to me at all! She's a nice woman but I just don't like her. I get a weird feeling that she is using me...can't put my finger on it but she unknowingly makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel constantly annoyed by her.

This is unusual for me who normally has an open view of human nature - hey I"m not perfect either but that's not my point. Point being I KNOW I don't want to be friends with her and I was wondering if anyone else had been through this? I'd like to know what would be decent and not incredibly cruel.

There's not talking myself into being friends with this woman; I'd like to keep it at 'acquaintance'.

[Anonymous Posts]

i dont tihnk it is our business why OP doesnt want to be friends! we are not obliged to be friends with everyone!

Op I would just keep doing what you are doing...be polite but dont take her up on offers and don't hang out with her...just polite "hello's" as you cross paths and thats about it. I mean what more were you thinking? I definitely wouldnt tell her you dont want to be friends. That would really hurt her feelings.

[heather_m]

no, she's not mean to me at all! She's a nice woman but I just don't like her. I get a weird feeling that she is using me...can't put my finger on it but she unknowingly makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel constantly annoyed by her.

This is unusual for me who normally has an open view of human nature - hey I"m not perfect either but that's not my point. Point being I KNOW I don't want to be friends with her and I was wondering if anyone else had been through this? I'd like to know what would be decent and not incredibly cruel.

There's not talking myself into being friends with this woman; I'd like to keep it at 'acquaintance'.

I suppose none of us being in your particular situation wouldnt know how you feel.

Why dont you just apply like a relationship and say you have a lot on your plate right now ?

[Anonymous Posts]

OP here responding to Heather M...

You're right it can be cliquey here! I've only lived here several years and have only a few friends in this town. Doesn't matter. I don't have to be friends with everyone I meet...? Friends are precious, but have you ever met anyone you didn't like?

I just don't want to pursue any kind of friendship with this woman..Guess I'm the only person who has been in this predicament?

[Anonymous Posts]

but what if she has no friends

what if you had no friends and all you wanted was a few minutes to get away or at least talk about the stressors of life.

what if u keep reaching out to people, but everyone ignores your gestures.

how DO you make friends in a town such as this.

what if you were lonely

[Anonymous Posts]

OP again;

thanks Heather and Anon...that would indeed be the classy thing to do. She keeps calling me and I tell her over an over I'm busy...Perhaps I'll just have to continue...

And I'd probably agree with the giving her a chance thing, too Heather ....I HAVE given her a chance we've had a few playdates together and I don't feel it.... cheers...!

[Anonymous Posts]

OP again;

Yes it HAS been very hard to make friends since I moved here, and I feel fortunate to have the incredible friends I have made. What more can I say? She's from this city and has a network of friends - I'm not sure if she's lacking in support. Good point, though. But I'm still 100% I don't want her to continue calling me all the time! Thank you for your input...

[Anonymous Posts]

it's so funny that people think victoria is "snobby" or "cliquey". I have lived in 3 other cities in canada, and they all seem just as friendly/not friendly as victoria! I do think people in victoria are more beautiful (appearance wise) than the other cities I have lived in (except for vancouver), but that comes with a bigger city (and people with more money) and also is only my opinion. Maybe people feel intimidated to make friends here? Maybe people are saying victoria is "cliquey" as an excuse as to why they have no friends? I dont know...but I find it funny because victoria is just as friendly as other cities. you may to try a bit harder because it is a bigger city, but there are many opportunities to make friends here!

[Anonymous Posts]

I was in a similar situation, so I decided to give this woman a chance. I am so glad I did, we aren`t best buddies or anything but I do consider her a friend and am glad she was persistant. She is a wonderful, kind, considerate person and so much fun to be around.

[Anonymous Posts]

I think it's nonsense. People are being petty. I think some people are intimidated by other people having a group of friends where the talk, laugh and have memories they talk about. I mean is everyone supposed to drop being nice to their friends so that a newcomer will feel more comfortable? Should we all shut down and act like the only part of our friendships that exist are the parts that occur once someone new is met? I think some people need to give things a chance and yes, if you are totally shy, it can come off as being snobby or unapproachable unless you let everyone know that this is how you are. I just think the excuses and putting down all the other women in Victoria labelling them "cliquey" is likely the reason you have trouble making friends. I've lived here my whole life and have entered into lots of different groups of friends and have never had any problems at all. It's my personality, some personalities jive better with friend-making and it also depends on the specific people you're trying to befriend. Calling it a Victoria thing is just completely obnoxious and not very well thought out. It's an easy way out.

[Anonymous Posts]

I don't think its normal behavior for someone to be leaving messages all the time, especially if you're not returning her calls. I don't think you need to justify for need for space. *She's* the one who's acting strangely, not you. I don't think there's really a classy way to tell someone to stop calling.

I used to live in an apartment and was friendly with this lady and she kept knocking on my door multiple times a day, sometimes 1/2 hour after I had said goodbye to her. I ended up telling her (politely) to her face that it made me feel uncomfortable and just please don't knock on my door anymore. Some people just need to be told directly that you're feeling uncomfortable. It might be painful at first for them to be told but in the end they might actually be grateful because it will help them learn more normal behavior for future friendships.

[Guest]

I don't think its normal behavior for someone to be leaving messages all the time, especially if you're not returning her calls. I don't think you need to justify for need for space. *She's* the one who's acting strangely, not you. I don't think there's really a classy way to tell someone to stop calling.

You know, I have to agree with this statement. I am very friendly and outgoing to lots of people and I work with hundreds and live in a Coop with a hundred more. I have tons and tons of acquaintances who I say hi to and chat to when I run into them at work or in the street. I always ask about their kids and how things are going just like I would here on KIV to people. However, it doesn't mean I have time to be good friends or get together with them, even if I do like them. Also, I have never had anyone calling me all the time and leaving me messages etc.

Personally I have 2 best friends who I see weekly, a friend I see once a month when our babies get together for playdates, a friend out of town who I see occasionally when I can and my family. That is all I can handle in my busy life. I have enough time trying to see the friends I have.

My suggestion to you is to talk to her next time you see her and basically say that you don't want to string her along but that you really don't have time for another friend right now.

Some people don't have the social strategies to take "hints" and you have to be upfront with her.

Cheers,
Lara