Cheating...now what?

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:10 pm

Hi

just found out my husband has been seeing another woman.... :twisted:

I am just so heartbroken.....

how do I confront him? how do I let him know he has broken my heart? How do I cope with all this !@#$%?

Anon

cheinekey · by **cheinekey** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:26 pm

I would confront him as long as you are prepared to deal with the what if's.......... before you do though, sit down and really what you want to say to him. you are probally furious (i know I would be), and hurt. you dont want to put yourself in a worse situation. I dont know your situation but here are a few questions I would probally want to be able to answer myself.

1) What proof do you have, just incase he denies it (he might)
2) Are you done with the relationship and if so what will you do where will you go.
3) if there are children involved how will you deal with that. (explanation wise)
4)do you have a strong support system (family, friends)

Like I said I dont know your situation but (not taking his side) make sure that you have had time to think before you confront. this way you will have made a decision that you feel is best for you and when you tell him you can honestly say that you have thought about it.

my heart goes out to you and wish you all the best.

Jadine Happynook · by **Jadine Happynook** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:28 pm

There is no right way to do it. Its gonna be highly emotional and really tough. Have the kleenex ready. and be prepared to kick that cheating jerk out! And call a friend or family member to cry on their shoulder. You don't need a guy like that... and everything is easier said than done. We're all here!

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:38 pm

DEEP BREATH....

Ok, I am a fellow kiver that has stayed with my DH, after he has cheated on me... He slept with someone else, 1 time- that i know about. and I decided to stay with him, and try to believe that he will never do it again....

PLEASE DONT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEAVE!!!

I am in hell!!!!!!!!! Its been two years since, and i dont think that he has cheated on me since, but it haunts me.... I am VERY jealous, very suspicous and DO NOT TRUST HIM... and this is no way to live.... IT IS AWFUL!!!! I HAVE nightmares and i hold resentment... but he has done everything i have asked to make up for it... but i still cant get it out of my mind, and i feel like a fool for staying with him... i spend every moment, keeping track of him.. and it is a waste of my personal freedom... he has stopped his drinking and going out- which i think partly responsible for the infidelity, but it is awful.... I feel like its too late now to back out of our relationship, as currently there is no reason to think or believe that he is still, but i CANT GET OVER IT!!!!! i have sought counselling and I still get nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night and i am tempted to hit him!!!!

I am SOOOO SORRY , that this has happened, but you need to believe that you really deserve better and leave the b*Stard!!! leave!! what a jerk!!! i hate men sometimes...

this is my opinion... i have a gf who cheated on her husband, and i know for sure that she will not do it again... so there are ppl who who will mess up and learn for it, but you have to think, you are the one who is going get hurt if you stay to find out, and he doesnt change..

Jacqueline · by **Jacqueline** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:49 pm

what i would do??

get the locks changed while he is out, and tape the proof to the door and tell him to **** off!! It angers me when men cheat.. You figure they have balls? but they dont have the balls to tell you what they are feeling and that its over...

I deeply feel for you!! this is horrible and you dont deserve this!!! *hugz* feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to- we can meet up and you can just cry on my shoulder if needed!! or anything!! please try to stay strong...

i posted in the cafe a "BLOG ON LOVE".. if you have the time to read it... take care!! you have support in me!!

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:54 pm

anon #3 here.

I have to agree with anon #2. It is something that never goes away. I still hold so much anger and resentment toward my ex for cheating on me. It is something that cuts so deep I'm not sure it ever heals. From my experience, if you forgive him, there is usually a "honeymoon period" where everything is great. You're talking again, really communicating, and he's doing everything possible to show you how sorry he is. It seems like everything will some day be ok again. There is usually more "I love you's" and more doting and then the jealousy keeps coming back.

He'll start to be normal again and then you're susupisious of EVERYTHING. If he works 10 mins late, you wonder if he was with someone. If he spends a while on the computer, you wonder if he's emailing someone.

You really need to decide if you're ok with being jealous, and feeling hurt, betrayed, and maybe even inedequate. He has disrespected you to the highest limits possible.

I have recently been involved in a relationship that involved cheating. We ALL ended up hurt, and I'm not sure any of us will ever fully recover. It is truely something that rocks a person to their core. If you don't think you can really truely forgive AND forget - you have to leave. It's not fair and it's not healthy. If their are children involved, they need to be surrounded in healthy relationships and have a strong mom as a role model to look up to.

If you believe he will never do it again and that you can truely let it go - get some councilling NOW.

Best of luck to you.

s5 · by s5 on Sat Jul 16, 2005 4:04 pm

as you are planning to raise this and looking for advice, you may also want to take another couple of days and see a counselor. I don't know your area of town, but in the Oak Bay Village is a great counsellor that I've used - Jurgen Jung. He is a lovely man and helpful.

You are dealing with so much right now - talking it through might help, both for handling the exact conversation and dealing with the steps that follow from it.

Good luck. Be kind to yourself. Take care.

jane · by **jane** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 4:07 pm

If you read the post last week about cheating (we think it was about cheating??) then you know where I stand on that issue. Zero tolerance!!! Please don't stay. If you forgive him...if he gets away with it....he'll do it again. Also, as others have already pointed out, I don't think there are many people who can forgive and forget, and if you can't it will always be there - haunting you.

You can do it on your own. We are all strong enough to do it on our own. Don't stay because of the kids (if there are any), don't stay because of money or logistics. Leave because you don't deserve this. Because you are better and stronger and have enough confidence and sense of who you are to know that you are better then this.

Oh yeah...and kick his @#% as you throw him out :evil:

s5 · by s5 on Sat Jul 16, 2005 4:32 pm

I don't know if this is even remotely helpful to you, but Dr Phil has this website that might have some thoughts for you this weekend
http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice_lan ... nships/Sex

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 4:40 pm

Thank-you all for your kind words

you have given me so much to think about.
I think that I will "sit" on this for a few days to really think about me/us/kids.
Counselling is the next step.

I know that he has an idea that I know, but we'll wait and see how it all goes over the next few days!

I'll keep checking for more responses, not sure I'll go the revenge route, but it would feel good!

Anon

Eva · by **Eva** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 6:08 pm

anon, I'm so sorry, that's terrible! I think that's great that you have decided to get counselling before deciding on anything, especially if you have children! I hope that you are OK. Good luck to you and your family!

scottish phantom · by **scottish phantom** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 9:35 pm

Been there... mine cheated on me... The question to ask yourself is 'will you ever trust him again?" You can't have a true relationship without trust... AND if they cheat on you once, they will do it again. It's not worth the heartache.

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sat Jul 16, 2005 11:17 pm

I am so sorry that this has happened to you! I am anon because there is someone who I would rather not know my story, the rest of you I don't mind.
To all of them who are telling you to leave, whatever... kick his a$$ out if that is the route you decide on! I have been through it and it is the most devistating thing to feel undesirable, and unsexy, and unwanted (I'm sure you have gone through all these thoughts and feelings), but that is not usually why men cheat! They cheat because they are weak. because it is offered. My ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with for 2 1/2 years (yes I'm not smart). They are married with children. Not happily married. I don't know how you found out about your husband, I had a friend from school tell me. And when I punched him in the head (he had the nerve to come home, so what choice did I have??? :roll:

) before slamming and locking the doors on him, THAT was my therapy! I had been looking for a way out of an unhappy relationship for years, and believe it or not, this was a godsend. I could have done without EVERYONE knowing that he had been cheating though. Right down to his co-workers, close friends, his sister, his MOTHER! I was humillated.
Enough about my dirty laundry.

You need to follow your heart. What kind of man is he? does he LOVE you Are you in love with him? Is he in love with you? Were you having problems and this was his weak way of sorting them out? Will he do it again?

Our experiences are not yours. Were you happy with him before this? Could you be happy again?

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and what you still have to go through.
I guess the moral of my story is that if he needs a good slam (metaphorically? :wink:

) you will be strong enough to dish it out.

OH, yeah, and before I did anything...I made an all important call to HER boyfriend :wink:

My thoughts are with you

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sun Jul 17, 2005 5:29 am

To the last anonymous poster - just because you are anon doesn't mean that person doesn't know exactly who you are. If you don't want someone to know your story, the only way to aviod that is to not post it. But maybe they've heard that story already from someone else in your life, so it doesn't really matter anyways.

What kind of man is he? does he LOVE you Are you in love with him? Is he in love with you? Were you having problems and this was his weak way of sorting them out? Will he do it again?

This, I found astonishining. What kind of man is he??? A cheating pig!!! Is he in love with you?? Obviosuly not if he could do that to you. Were you having problems and this was this his weak way of sorting out??? That's a pathetic bullsh** excuse. If you fall for those stories about "I did it because I felt like you don't love me anymore" or "you spend all your time with the kids and no time on me" or "I was depressed, but I know now what I want - you" then I would say YOU are the weak one. (And he is being SOOOOOO manipulative - to put the blame on you for cheating) Will he do it again??? YES he will. My guess is with guys like this, they've cheated before and they'll do it again. Anyone who hooks up with someone that they know has cheated before or cheats on someone else to be with that person, is asking for trouble.

And remember, it's easy to get sucked into the lies after he's caught or comes "semi-clean". You'll hear all the words you've been wanting to hear for a long time. "I've learned who/what I really want out life" "I'm so in love with you and I'll never do it again" "I'm a changed man" "I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you". MORE MANIPULATION! He's just trying to save his own @#$.

anonymous KIV · by **anonymous KIV** on Sun Jul 17, 2005 6:00 am

I don't mean to take anything away from this discussion, but let's all keep one thing in mind:

WOMEN CHEAT TOO! This has ONCE AGAIN turned into a male bashing exercise.

Lords knows, that if it was the other way around... and trust me, I know A LOT of women who have cheated, I would be getting attacked everytime I made comments that consistently referenced the reason "women" cheat.............etc etc.

If I came on here and told you my wife cheated on me, you would be asking me if there was someone I was doing that may have caused that, or what she may be lacking... I sincerely doubt you would be calling her a "pig" and bashing the sh$t out of her.

Lose the attitude. This site is made of of men and women. Moms and Dads, single and married. And believe it or not, cheaters in each of those classes.

Oh, and for what its worth.... two "wives" I know engage in cyber sex for the fun of it... are we going to run their pig a$$es out of town like people were suggesting in the previous post? No, likely we are going to label that harmless fun, aren't we?...

My favourite post in here... "he cheated therefore he will do it again the lying bastard, however I know a women who cheated, and I honestly believe she would never do it again...." LOL Are you for real????

I am posting anonymously as I want to avoid the lynching that goes on with this site on most days. Take a good look in the mirror folks the next time you offer a harsh opinion on any subject. You just may get a glimpse of the skeletons in the closet behind you.