Books about death for my 5 year old?

[Nola]

My sweet little boy asked me yesterday 'when do those people who go into the hospital come out' and I said 'what people, like sick people?' and he said no. Then later he said 'ok, I'll tell you...when do those people who die come out of the hospital?' I was a little shocked because we haven't really had the cause to discuss death...cross my fingers no personal experiences here. In fact the only time I've even mentioned death is in my lectures about how we do not play with guns or pretend to play with guns.... So anyways, I asked him if he was thinking about anybody special and he said no. I explained to him that people who die do not come home from the hospital. He grabbed me and said 'that makes me worry' and 'that makes me sad'. I explained to him that most people who go to the hospital get better and come out and remind him that he has been to the hospital and that Mommy had 2 babies in the hospital and his Daddy has been etc. but it didn't seem to help at all. We are not religious so we would not use the term heaven around here but still want to impart to him that when people die, they are at peace and that it doesn't hurt. I know it's normal for him to worry, both my dh and I can remember asking our parents similar questions when we were small. How do I answer these kinds of questions? Thanks

[Samandemma]

It is very helpful to use honest and clear words when discussing death and loss with children. Euphemisms such as "gone to sleep" "gone" "lost" can be frightening and confusing to children. Euphemisms such as these can create/exacerbate children's fears (for example, a child may fear going to sleep at night in case they die, or in case a loved one may die). So using honest and "correct" terms such as death, dying, died, funeral etc and discussing these processes in age-appropriate ways will help keep the dialogue open for your child and will respond to what he needs and wants to know at present.

A book that you may find helpful to read with your child is entitled: "But Won't Granny Need Her Socks" (it is available at the Public Library and at local book stores such as Bolen's and Monroe's). It discusses in very age-appropriate language what happens when someone dies. For example, the title is derived from a child's inquiry, "But won't granny need her socks?" (which the child asked about his grandma who was going to be buried). The book discusses the physical aspects of what happens after someone dies (eg: that the person no longer has pain, no longer feels hunger or needs to eat, that the person no longer feels cold etc).

Your DS asked about what happens when people die at the hospital. You could ask him more about what he would like to know/what he is wondering about. This will help you to address his questions and any concerns or worries he may have. For example, you could explain that when someone dies at a hospital a Dr. examines (checks) the person to determine if they are breathing, if they have a heart beat and determines whether the person has died. If the person has died, their famiy is told so that they can receive support and make decsions about memorials/funeral services. The person who has died (deceased person) is taken to a funeral home until the funeral service (or other arrangements are made). (Your DS may need to know that the person doesn't just "disappear" in the hospital).

Something that is very helpful for children to know is that many people (most people) live quite a long life. It is quite common for children who are inquiring about death and dying to become aware of the possible death of people they love dearly and on whom they depend. While none of us can honestly say, "No, I'm not going to die" (even though it may be tempting to alleviate or prevent anxiety in the moment for our child) it is not honest and may cause a great deal of anxiety when they fully realize that every living person/being eventually dies. (My DD asked at age 2 if I was going to die. I answered (albeit with my heart thumping) that "some day I will die, but it is very likely that it will be a long time from now, when you are grown up and I am older...."

We also talk about the "life cycle." Children at age 5 are often interested in learning about the process of caterpillars metamorphosing; the life cycle of salmon etc and it can be a great opportunity to discuss how all living beings have a life cycle which incorporates death as part of the cycle. (There is a book by Leo Buscaglia entitled, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" that discusses the life cycle process and is appropriate for preschool to about age 6-7.

You've already responded openly with your child and just letting him know that you are open to his questions will help him to continue to explore his questions and thoughts about loss, death and grieving. Also, being honest with your DS by saying what it is that you believe about what may happen to a person after death will also help him to feel comfortable with asking questions and forming his own thoughts about death and grieving.

[monikah]

DDs 7 and we've talked about death many times before, even before I took a job where I looked after palliative care clients. We've talked openly about cremation vs. burial and how I believe that after death we go to heaven. I guess its more my attitude is that death is a part of life, its sad, but that's the way it is. DDs seen 2 of our pets after they died so we've had a chance to discuss how they both had good lives and how we miss them and how mama cried when they died. When our last pet died, she helped me dig the grave and gather the flowers.

I explained to him that people who die do not come home from the hospital. He grabbed me and said 'that makes me worry' and 'that makes me sad'.

You know, I think that's totally fine. Death is sad. Its OK to miss the people in our family and friends that have died. Instead of rushing to tell your son that 'most people come out of the hospital better', I think its fine to say, yes, some people who are old or very sick die in the hospital. This is life. That their families take the time to bury them and have a ceremony and look at pictures of them in the family photo album.

I think DD did have some anxiety about death when she younger. Like she would ask whether I was going to die. I told her, yes, I would die someday, but usually peope don't die until they're really old. I guess I don't have alot of anxiety about it and now neither does she.

[Nola]

It is very helpful to use honest and clear words when discussing death and loss with children. Euphemisms such as "gone to sleep" "gone" "lost" can be frightening and confusing to children. Euphemisms such as these can create/exacerbate children's fears (for example, a child may fear going to sleep at night in case they die, or in case a loved one may die). So using honest and "correct" terms such as death, dying, died, funeral etc and discussing these processes in age-appropriate ways will help keep the dialogue open for your child and will respond to what he needs and wants to know at present.

A book that you may find helpful to read with your child is entitled: "But Won't Granny Need Her Socks" (it is available at the Public Library and at local book stores such as Bolen's and Monroe's). It discusses in very age-appropriate language what happens when someone dies. For example, the title is derived from a child's inquiry, "But won't granny need her socks?" (which the child asked about his grandma who was going to be buried). The book discusses the physical aspects of what happens after someone dies (eg: that the person no longer has pain, no longer feels hunger or needs to eat, that the person no longer feels cold etc).

Your DS asked about what happens when people die at the hospital. You could ask him more about what he would like to know/what he is wondering about. This will help you to address his questions and any concerns or worries he may have. For example, you could explain that when someone dies at a hospital a Dr. examines (checks) the person to determine if they are breathing, if they have a heart beat and determines whether the person has died. If the person has died, their famiy is told so that they can receive support and make decsions about memorials/funeral services. The person who has died (deceased person) is taken to a funeral home until the funeral service (or other arrangements are made). (Your DS may need to know that the person doesn't just "disappear" in the hospital).

Something that is very helpful for children to know is that many people (most people) live quite a long life. It is quite common for children who are inquiring about death and dying to become aware of the possible death of people they love dearly and on whom they depend. While none of us can honestly say, "No, I'm not going to die" (even though it may be tempting to alleviate or prevent anxiety in the moment for our child) it is not honest and may cause a great deal of anxiety when they fully realize that every living person/being eventually dies. (My DD asked at age 2 if I was going to die. I answered (albeit with my heart thumping) that "some day I will die, but it is very likely that it will be a long time from now, when you are grown up and I am older...."

We also talk about the "life cycle." Children at age 5 are often interested in learning about the process of caterpillars metamorphosing; the life cycle of salmon etc and it can be a great opportunity to discuss how all living beings have a life cycle which incorporates death as part of the cycle. (There is a book by Leo Buscaglia entitled, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" that discusses the life cycle process and is appropriate for preschool to about age 6-7.

You've already responded openly with your child and just letting him know that you are open to his questions will help him to continue to explore his questions and thoughts about loss, death and grieving. Also, being honest with your DS by saying what it is that you believe about what may happen to a person after death will also help him to feel comfortable with asking questions and forming his own thoughts about death and grieving.

Thank you for a well thought out response...yes I agree with using real terms and not 'going to sleep' and such because you're right...he'll be terrified to go to bed. I'm going to check out that book you suggested, and expect that he will have more questions after that. He is a super sensitive little guy so I want to be truthfull, but carefull about how I word my responses. I don't know where all this death talk even came from...I should probably expect more of this kind of stuff as he gets older. There should be a series of parenting books called something like..'what to say when your child asks you a question and you have no idea how to answer and are worried that you'll screw them up for life' Love the life cycle stuff too...practical and close enough for him to relate without relating, kwim? Again, thank you

[Samandemma]

You're very welcome Nola! I can so relate to your statement about how to respond to our children's questions and concerns about such important topics and the fear of "messing them up forever." The happy news is that it seems that as a parent I receive many opportunities to discuss, explore and revisit some very significant topics with my DD. The questions/wonderings seem to come in cycles, and sometimes, seemingly "out of the blue." It also helps me (and her!) to know that I don't know the "answers" to, or enough/any information about some things and that we can and will explore it together.
There are some other books that may be helpful so feel free to email me if I can offer any other resources!