concerns with visits with bio father

bren · by **bren** on Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:44 pm

Here's the deal.
When my kids visit their dad (about once a month) I have been concerned about a few things. I want to know if I am just an overreacting mom, or if some of you think this is not great behaviour too. The first two I overlooked for a while (years), and thought I was being a picky "i know best" type mom, and let it go...but #3 I found out tonight and I was very upset. I just don't know if I should ask him to supervise them. (I hate conflict)

1. He will not clip their nails, even during a two week summer visit, and rarely washes their hair. The tend to come back rather dirty. He told my dd that he did not have to cut her nails, even though she asked him to, because she is a girl, and girls have long nails. (but they were so long and dirty after 2 weeks! )

2. He does not help my 5 and 7 year old brush their teeth. I usually let them brush first, and then I brush afterwards to make sure they did a good enough job.

3. Here is the one that is bothering me...my son was putting his face under the water tonight in bath. I was surprised because he has never done that, and he was under for a long time, and then my dd told me he does it all the time at daddy's. I said" well, as long as he is keeping an eye on you it is okay." Then they both told me he NEVER watches them during bath. He just comes up when they call him to get out.

I accept that I could be overreacting...I have been doing it all for almost 5 years, so maybe I am babying them.

What do you all think? TIA

Brenda N · by **Brenda N** on Sat Sep 05, 2009 3:03 pm

What a struggle.
I don't think you are babying them. But I am also not sure that he is being particularly neglectful - just parenting differently than you or I would.

My dh would never cut their nails except when I specifically ask him to. He wouldn't notice. Ditto with bathing and hair washing. But I think when your dd asks to have her nails cut then her request should be honored and that there is something inappropriate about expecting her to have long nails because she's a girl. I'd ask him not to say this to her and to please honor such requests (cutting nails) when she makes them.

My 7yo has baths & showers unsupervised ....I'm not sure when we started this so can't think of what is appropriate at 5.

Ditto with the toothbrushing. That's dh's job and I prefer that at age 5 he helps brush their teeth - but not necessarily by age 7. On the other hand, he often didn't do this until I pointed out the cavities.

I think these are going to be hard things to enforce if he doesn't want to do it. And as your kids get older it won't matter anyway because they can do it themselves. They are not there the majority of the time - and so likely no damage is being done......I'd be annoyed for sure.....but its probably not a battle you can win and not worth it in the long run (since its going to resolve itself as the kids get more independent).

brymommy · by **brymommy** on Sat Sep 05, 2009 5:38 pm

I have to agree with Brenda... Neither of you are wrong just different...

If they aren't there that often and for short periods of time I would let it slide... Maybe cut their nails right before leaving really short and ask that they have a "good" scrub at least once a week... And if they are older than three they can probably give themselves a pretty good wash...

Leaving them alone in the bath? I think we started letting the oldest have bath time with us "in and out" around 3.5.. It's still fairly new but DH bathes them more often than I do (and I am the short "inwashout" bath person whereas he let's them play. But the baby is never aloud to be alone... And the door is always open an since it is in middle of the house we are always steps away. So three and a half/four is seeming to work for us but you would have to assess your own child.

Shannon H. · by **Shannon H.** on Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:11 pm

Since she was 4 my daughter baths with us going in and out, so it might be different but not horrible. However, while these things may be different, is there any way to discuss these things with him? Just talk about the benefit of consistancy?

murf1511 · by **murf1511** on Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:29 pm

I think it would frustrate me as well, but if otherwise he is a good father and the kids want to see him, try to let it go.

You could try something like getting them special toothpaste and special electric tooth brushes just for daddy's house (try to make sure that they come back and forth so the kids remember that they have them) so that the kids take on this task themselves.

And they could pack bubble bath and soap crayons so that they ask for a bath at dads. It doesn't sound as if you have a talking relationship, so to try to leave these things alone if the rest is all working I guess. Good luck.

Max · by **Max** on Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:53 am

I know it's hard not to worry, but it's ok. Being dirty won't hurt them. A few days of not-perfectly brushed teeth is ok. And I let my 4 year old tub alone, I just check on her once in a while.

Do they come home happy? Are they excited to go see dad? That's what's important.