Help...

[Azurite]

Assertiveness training for a 5 year old? He has been following the whole wits thing to a T but it does not stop nor prevent the bullying from another child and his friends in my son's class. My guy is/was fairly assertive at the beginning of the year and stuck up for himself but he is no match for this child who is extremely bright manipulative and feels nothing but contempt for my son. We have had meeting after meeting with the other childs parent and the school ...we realize that we need to find a way to get him to leave our son alone. (we are not the only parents that have an issue with this child but the only ones who have spoken to the mom about it).

We want our child to finish the year at this school and would have liked him to continue on but is not looking like we can if we want him to have an ounce of self confidence left. So where can we go for help the feedback we get is he is sensitive and cries so how do we stop him from crying when he has three kids all bigger than him blocking his way from getting help. He is also crying easier now because he doesn't feel safe anymore which prompts the name calling. Also, I am uncomfortable with telling him not to cry but I have told him that would help I have also told him he could push the child out of his way and we would not be mad although the school would be.

So assertiveness training? Confidence building? How do I desensitize him? Seriously we use to talk about our feelings but he has learned not to even mention his feelings because that is exactly what the other child is looking for to hurt his feelings and the big score is getting my guy to cry. I would like my guy to be more aggressive but how do I produce that? And yes I cringe at that but a sensitive, caring, empathetic little boy sounds good until you hit the real world of public school.

Help please.

[Nola]

I am sorry you and your son are going through this. I don't have any real experience with this but the things that come to mind are these:

-A martial arts class (for confidence and defence training)
-a talk with teacher and/or prinicipal and insist on their intervention.
Bullying is not accpetable Is there a police liason with your school that can be
involved?
-speak to other parents and see if you can't get Darren Laur to come our to give
a talk to the kids. Parents would all have to chip in but would not be too
expensive and would be worth it.

Your poor son...and you're right, it's a shame that your sensitive son has to 'toughen up'. Good luck, hope it all works out for your son. And good for you for getting him prepared

[knittingmama]

I've been through this with my youngest child - started in elementary school and by grade 9, I removed him from the school system and home schooled him for awhile. I dont' know what district you're in, but you could write to the superintendent of your school district and outline what's going on. If you phone, make a note of it and keep a 'paper trail' of all phone calls and letters. If you're in the Sooke School District, you'll be banging your head against a brick wall because they lie to tell you that bullying never happens in their schools. We sent our son to martial arts classes so he could defend himself but that got him into trouble at school because the kids aren't permitted to stand up for themselves. My son was beaten up on a daily basis - the final straw was when a group of 20 or more kids trapped him and urged a much larger kid to beat the crap out of him. The principal did nothing. The school board did nothing. When my son's life was threatened, I removed him from the school completely and I'm glad I did or heaven knows what would have happened. It took my son nearly 3 years to feel comfortable again and stop looking over his shoulder. The other thing you can do, if you get no satisfaction from the school or the school board is go to the newspaper or CHEK - schools hate negativity towards them and will bend over backwards for you if you tell them you'll have to take your story to the media if they don't do something about the bully.

Check out the group 'Dads in the Halls' - they have a great group and many suggestions on how to keep your child safe. The schools hate them because they make their presence known so that hopefully bullies will stop their bullying. Some people call them a vigilante group but in reality, they're just there to help out kids who are at the mercy of bully's.

Call Capital Families and ask for an appointment with a Youth Counsellor and talk about what's going on. They have lots of suggestions and access to other groups.

There is also a School Liason Officer at the local police station who may be able to help out too.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

[happygirlmichelle]

I think I would hunt the bully down and give him a quick lesson on how it feels to be bullied.

[knittingmama]

I wanted to do that when my kid was bullied but the principal wouldn't tell me who the kid was - but my son did and I've stared the bugger down and hoped that one day karma would come back and get him

[Melanie B]

Woah..........we are not talking about hunting down a five year olds are we?

IMHO the best things you can do for your child are to give him another venue where he can make friends............an activity that he can do well in and build his confidence, where maybe there are other kids who will encourage him. That and maybe enouraging the children who do not bully to have playdates so he has some positive experiences.
Where is the bullying happening? In the classroom? can you be a prescence there or another family member help and observe? Out in the playground? how about an older child or group of children as friends mentors etc? We experienced severe bullying with our child who has sp needs, being a presence in the school did help. So did socializing with other children outside of school.

[knittingmama]

no, you can't hunt down 5 year olds - but if the school and/or school board isn't going to talk to the parents, then something has to be done to make the child safe. For my own child, he was 14 when I had to remove him from the school system after he was surrounded by over 20 students cheering on the big bully who was beating the crap out of him. This all happened the day before we were to fly to LA and he looked a sight going through customs with cuts and bruises all over his face and arms. The school principal did nothing, the school board did nothing so we had to go to the media and then they still insisted that there's no bullying allowed in any of the schools. When my son's life was threatened and he was told he was going to be killed, he was remove immediately and it took him a couple of years before he felt safe. As a mother, I don't understand how parents can allow their children to beat up others - I've raised 3 children and not one of them has ever picked on anyone else. Guess I brought mine up differently - who knows.

[abbott94]

It is such a ahrd subject when you are talking about your poor child being bullied and you are not there to protect them. It sounds like you are already doing everything to the best of your abilities and going above and beyond in some ways.
I am surprised after meeting with the parent that nothing has changed. Some parents just do not give a darn, and are probably bullies themselves.
My son gets picked on the odd time, and I tell him the same thing that I am sure most parents do:
Leave the situation
Tell a teacher
and do not ever feel bad about yourself, I tell him to put himself in the bullies shoes and think about how sad this kids life must be that he spends his time picking on people. I also tell him that more than likely the child is jealous of him because he is such a nice and easy to get along with little guy and that upsets the bully.

[Melanie B]

Knitting mama............you have been where I have been, in our case it was girls and they tried to hang my child, rope/staircase etc etc..........
It did get better but it was a long road.........


OH and I didn't even bother with the Principal after he told us "that was just in fun" really with rope burns on her neck.........we went to the School board........now I look back maybe should have gone to the police!

[abbott94]

Knitting mama............you have been where I have been, in our case it was girls and they tried to hang my child, rope/staircase etc etc..........
It did get better but it was a long road.........


OH and I didn't even bother with the Principal after he told us "that was just in fun" really with rope burns on her neck.........we went to the School board........now I look back maybe should have gone to the police!

That is just horrifying. I would have hauled her right out of there too. Screw everything else, this is your childs safety. I would have gone to the police as well, but I am sure the only thing you were thinking about was your daughter at the time.

[Melanie B]

Yup her........and that she really was hurt emotionally also and wanted us to put limits on how far we went.........

[knittingmama]

Melanie B, that is horrible. I hope she's all right and it didn't take too long to get over it. My son is now nearly 19 but after the problems in school, he lost interest and didnt' try anymore. He did finish his grade 12 more or less but is short a couple of subjects. Fortunately, he was involved with music and spent his spare time at school in the music room and away from the ones who beat him up in middle school. We should have pressed charges but instead, opted to go to the media and make sure everyone knew what was going on in the schools. He made the front page and of course the superintendent was interviewed and said he had no idea this was going on and that he doesn't tolerate bullying. I found it interesting that he had no idea what was going on when I had written documentation to and from him about this before I went to the media. Like you, the principal brushed it all of as 'boys will be boys'. My son had to have some counselling to make him feel good about himself and it all took time but you know, our children shouldn't have to go through any of this.

[martini]

Melanie B, that is horrible. I hope she's all right and it didn't take too long to get over it. My son is now nearly 19 but after the problems in school, he lost interest and didnt' try anymore. He did finish his grade 12 more or less but is short a couple of subjects. Fortunately, he was involved with music and spent his spare time at school in the music room and away from the ones who beat him up in middle school. We should have pressed charges but instead, opted to go to the media and make sure everyone knew what was going on in the schools. He made the front page and of course the superintendent was interviewed and said he had no idea this was going on and that he doesn't tolerate bullying. I found it interesting that he had no idea what was going on when I had written documentation to and from him about this before I went to the media. Like you, the principal brushed it all of as 'boys will be boys'. My son had to have some counselling to make him feel good about himself and it all took time but you know, our children shouldn't have to go through any of this.

OMG
I cannot fathom that any child should be subjected to this let alone admin being aware of it.
I do hear about it more than I'd like to.
Step one being the teacher
Step two being the principal
Step three being the school district
Step four is the media

knittingmama what school district was this?

[Sue]

This thread makes my heart hurt.

Up here in Nanaimo, a young man (15) just (last month) committed suicide because of bullying. He changed schools even, but the bullying followed and persisted. His parents are now on a mission to expose what is going on in schools (while schools like to talk about their anti-bullying policies and "it doesn't happen in our school", this boy's parents said they did nothing to help their son), and there is one administrator locally who is putting his career on the line with a true no-nonsense policy.

[knittingmama]

Martini - it was the Sooke School District. The bullying for my son started at Wishart, continuted to Dunsmuir where we promptly removed him and he finished his final 3 years at Belmont but stayed in the music dept. The school board knew all about it and had electronic transmissions back and forth with myself and the school but when interviewed by the media, suddenly it was 'this doesn't happen in our district, we don't allow this kind of behaviour'. I had a lot of conversations with 'Dads in the hall' and lots of referrals to help out. The Goldstream paper came out and did a story on this but the school board still didn't do anything. We had many talks with the liason officer too but yet nothing was ever done.