Parents of 'shy' children?

[Sue]

For lack of a better word, I will use 'shy', although I hate the label, myself

Looking for advice with my 3.5 year old dd. Took her to do all of the paperwork for preschool today, she went last year and so knew the teachers well, etc but today wouldn't speak to them at all. I know 2 months of summer is a long time, and there is that 'get to know them again' period but here is my question/seeking advice:

When your shy child is asked a question, what do you do? My dd puts her head down, turns her body in the other direction, and won't answer. Sometimes, depending on situation/her/person speaking/etc. she will answer in a one word reply, and only at our prompting. Sometimes if I re=ask the question to her, she will answer quietly, more to me, mostly she just looks at me to rescue her. If I answer for her all of the time, I see this as stepping in and she knows that I will do it, so why does she need to talk? And if I refuse to answer for her because the question was directed to her, and I know that it is someone that she is comfortable with her, chances are she won't speak a word, so what then?

It seems rude to just leave the person hanging, but what is the answer?

[Sunnygirl]

Well ds isn't always shy - but often is now. Today someone asked him a question that he wouldn't answer - so I guess I went down to his level and told him that person "x" was asking him a question. When he gave me the answer quietly I told him that person"x" couldn't hear him so he'd have to talk louder. He warmed up after a few min. I think dd will be a lot shyer though - so I'm not sure if that will work. I remember as a kid being so shy and even one time in class the teacher said "be quiet everyone as M is talking and she talks so softly I need to hear her". Well.... I thought I'd been talking loudly - it seemed that way to me. I think shy kids are really very self conscious so I think it's just something that we need to help them with every time as I don't think there will be improvement with all kids. I was painfully shy until I went to university. I think part of that though was that I was in so many different elementary schools as my parents moved for work a lot so that as a kid I didn't have "time" to make friends. If I had friends that I was used to - I may have gotten more used to being outgoing and comfortable with them and may have come out of my shell more as I wouldn't have been so self-conscious all the time. Will never know I guess.

[Sue]

It is a hard one, because of course I want to honour her temperament and not push her to be terribly uncomfortable. Often what dh and I will tell her, especially when it is people at church (ie. that she really does know well), that she just can "just say hi" and then that is enough. So that we are not pushing her to converse for any amount of time, and it is teaching her the basic of manners, that is, to reply when someone says "hi" to you. I am finding it a hard line, even as I type, I don't want it to seem like I am being harsh on her, because I understand that she tends to be quiet and shyer than most...

Thanks, M for the input

[Shereen]

Sue - read the book "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child".
I love this book! It made me understand the introverted child so much better, and I am able to 'handle' Jaymi's 'shyness' way better as well!
You'll be surprised the things that you learn from the book!

You can borrow it from me if you want to.

One of the things I learned was to practice those kind of situations with her. For example, you pretend to be a person from church and you say, "Hi M! How are you today?" And she tries to say something back to you. When I did it with Jaymi I was surprised at how she was suddenly shy even though it was just me. And when she was able to say hello she was so proud.

Yesterday her and I went to Boston Pizza for dinner, and for the first time ever, she decided to tell her order to the waitress all by herself. (Mumbled quietly really, but still - it's a step.) I was so proud!

Also, I've been trying to motivate Jaymi this summer by rewarding her with marbles for doing things that are difficult for her (like saying hello, singing in front of someone, etc.). When her marble tray is full, she gets to pick a reward. (We collaberated on the rewards - things like going to the park, baking with Mommy, staying at home all day, etc.)

We should get together and talk about it sometime!

[Shereen]

One more thing Sue - I wanted to tell you the reason that this book caught my eye in the first place. It was because the first thing I read in the book, was the author's opinion that you shouldn't want to change your child's personality (which I know you don't want to either), but rather, make it easier for them to work with it, and overcome any problem that it may cause.

[Sue]

Thanks Shereen, would you believe I have that book out of the library? I think you recommended it to someone on another thread. Now if I could just find the time to read it through - it is due tomorrow, do you think the library will let me renew yet again?

[mec]

That is great to hear of a good book on the topic. Thank you. My first dd is shy for lack of a better term and I basically did the same thing as you, Sue, and she is now, at 9 years, while not outgoing by any means, is not what I would call shy. I took a short parenting seminar through her preschool on dealing with shy kids and they said one of the most important things is never to use the word 'shy' infront of the child. They tend to grow to 'fit the label'. They said it eventually can become a crutch for them. I didn't force her to speak to others except to be polite and say her 'hello's', 'please' and 'thank yous'. When we were out, I would provided what she needed and if she wanted anything extra she would (sometimes) have to ask for it herself. Anyway, this is what I did. Every child is so different but I hope this helps.

[Deb M]

I have a shy 5 year old and I went to see Allison Rees and she gave me great tips.

-Never label your child shy - just tell people they have a cautious approach. Some children will always have a cautious approach and you just have to really talk to them about things before you do them.

-That role playing with your kids is great so they get practice using their words in social situations. I did that when my son went to preschool and I realized he just didn't understand what was expected of him. When I told him that he was being "rude" he didn't really know what that meant

-I've also had to really use "feeling" words so that my son understands that yes he will be scared the first day of school and that it's okay to be worried - so that I put a "word" to his feelings.

-We were also told to take my son to playdates where we weren't there so that he had to learn to cope on his own

I found Allison to be a great resource. I went to see her for an hour and got great ideas on dealing with my son.

Good luck,

I completely understand how stressful it can be,

Debbie

[WCM]

I ask my son if he feels like talking. if no, can i answer for him? yes or no. tedious, but avoids saying 'he''s just *shy*' and gets him to verbalise his feelings . . .

[Sue]

Shereen - I like the play practice idea, I will have to try that with M. That is why I was drawn to the book also, that it is simply trying to help us as parents/caregivers to help our children flourish with the personality that they have. It is just so hard when M is so chatty at home, and at other 'safe and familiar' places, but then hardly says a word to anyone while we are out. She has been making big steps of late - Superstore has free kid's cookies that are handed to them by an employee. She used to beg me to say thank you for her, and now she looks the person in the eye and says "thank you", albeit quietly, but hey, we'll take it

mec - thanks for your insight as a parent of an older child! I hate the label myself as I said in my OP, but for lack of a better word, have to use it occasionally The politeness is my thing too, since I know that she is not so very painfully shy that she cannot manage 'hi', 'please', and 'thank you' and that is why it is that gray area and that fine line for me between honouring who she is, and her feelings around talking, and encouraging her to say at least one word in courtesy, which is baby steps, in my view, toward more words, hopefully

Deb M - 'cautious' is a great word to describe my child. In the book that Shereen reommended, the author lists attributes of an introverted child, and my M fits most of them, one of them being very cautious, usually in new places/with new people. Interesting that you found that your son didn't really know even what rude meant, never mind that he might be seen as it - mind if I ask how you explained it to him? Since I know dh and I have been guilty of telling my dd this in the past

Feeling words are big around here - just tonight M asked for her "sad pillow" to hug at bedtime.

Preschool was really wonderful for my dd last year - the teachers were so patient, and where at the start of the year she wouldn't participate in circle, etc. by the end she was singing, doing actions, and even offering suggestions for songs. My favourite anecdote that the staff shared was that at "going home" time, they had a Tupperware container and didn't know whose it was - they held it up in the middle of the room and asked all of the kids, and my dd correctly and loudly said that it was hers

WCM - thanks for your post - if I ask M if she feels like talking, she will most always say "no" and that is where I struggle with "rescuing her"/ie doing her talking for her, even when I know by her demeanour that she isn't seriously terrified out of talking vs. encouraging her to just say the one or two words necessary for a response. How long do I wait for her to answer? How long to leave the other person hanging? It is so hard not to tell the person in front of our children "oh, he/she is just shy", I know I struggle with it, since I tend to think of it as an apology to the person, when really, why should I have to? This is her and that is good

It is tough for these extroversion-challenged little people since as the book mentioned above states, it is an extroverted world out there for the most part

[Deb M]

Sue,

I explained to my son that when he doesn't answer people or when he ignores people when they talk to him it makes the other person feel sad and it hurts their feelings and that all he had to do was answer them so that he didn't hurt their feelings.

This really helped especially when the teachers greeted him in the mornings at preschool.[/quote]